I was born with a servants heart. I am a giver by nature. I truly would think nothing of giving someone my very last cent, believing that they need it more than I do. God has always come through for me... not that it's always been easy. But the hardest thing for me to learn has been how to receive. Not that people haven't been there for me and not that God hasn't used people in my life in a number of ways through the years. It's just when it comes to receiving, I'm not very good at it.
I am always taken aback when someone says or does something nice - for me. I'm the kind usually looking over my shoulder to see who they're talking to if they pay me a compliment. I'm still learning how to just say "thank-you" without that complete look of wonderment on my face and sometimes I just can't even pull that off. God's been working on that with me especially in current times. Have you ever had one of those times when He brings something from your past up into your present situation and uses it to illustrate how stubborn and prideful you really can be? That's happened to me very recently. Let me share....
As most of you know, we're in a bit of a pickle. We moved to Tennessee last January and moved into our dream house. It's a lovely ranch that was newly built and truly seemed to have been built just for us. Our things fit in here perfectly and we didn't have to do one thing except move in (and sign a bunch of papers, of course.) Then at the end of July our perfect dream world began to show cracks. Our beloved dog, Igloo, was hit and killed by a car along with our neighbors dog, Sadie. I cried and cried. Somehow the excitement of living our dream just didn't quite seem the same, except that the people from our lives really stepped up to console and comfort us.
We had people from our church willing to make us meals, which at the time I thought really odd - it wasn't like Igloo was our main cook - and while I appreciated the offers, I declined them. We were fine, just a bit broken-hearted. I poured my heart out in my blogs on Facebook and Myspace and had friends from all over touching my heart with their kind words. It was a bit ironic how one year ago, when I needed people, all I had was my dog. And now when I lost my dog, I had all kinds of people there for me. The difference wasn't in the people, the difference was in me.
That difference was that I was able and willing to share what was going on in my life. Before I was always thinking that I didn't want to burden others and have the yucky things going on in my life touch theirs. If they had giving hearts, well, I figured there were always people more needy of their attentions and efforts than me. It was just easier for me to deal with it than have to deal with it AND worry about what others were thinking.
Recently Oliver lost his job. I put that out there as well. It came as a shock and we really don't know what the future holds for us. We're taking things one day at a time. There is the "old" part of me that wants to put up walls and retreat into my own little world until the storm passes and withdraw from people and life in general. Then there is the "newer" me that can put it all out there in a blog. It's a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle to keep those walls from going back up.
A week ago I got a call from an old friend from high school. We had been in the same youth group at church, seemingly back in the day when the Bible was still on stone tablets. We're talking almost 35 years since we last spoke. It really touched my heart that he and his wife called to offer encouragement and prayers. Funny thing is that when I first went to request them as friends on Facebook, I wasn't sure they would even remember who I was. Seems silly in hindsight but that's honestly what I felt. It was my own fault that we fell out of touch. My mom had died the day I graduated from high school in January, 1974, and most of my friends weren't graduating until June or some until the following year.
All of a sudden my world had changed. I was a young 17 year old all on my own, with my own apartment and the very grown-up responsibilities of life and handling my mothers estate. My friends were still in high school, worrying about what to wear on Saturday night and where to go after the prom. How could I touch them with the realities of my world?
As I talked with my friend a week ago, I was not only surprised that they remembered me, but that they remembered so many of the details from 35 years ago. I was surprised to learn that they always thought that I was "cool" because I had my own apartment. They were surprised to hear that I didn't abandon them because I thought I was "cool" but that I didn't want to burden their worlds. God showed me that although they couldn't have change one single circumstance of what I was going through, they could have been for me then as they are now - offering encouragement and prayers. Huh. Never even thought of that.
Today we were invited to a dear friends house for dinner after church and as per usual, I asked what I should bring... "nothing" was the reply and for the first time ever, it was ok with me. See? I am learning. Funny thing is that for all my life whenever I have invited someone over, I have never expected them to bring anything and yet because of the "way I had been brought up" I couldn't begin to think of going somewhere empty-handed. God has been showing me the double-standard by which I had been living.
At church, another lady came up and dropped something in my purse "to bless us with" and I graciously said thank-you - admittedly caught off guard and a bit puzzled. Yet God reminded me of how many times I had slipped little somethings in peoples pockets or purses through the years or had a special treat for someone on their porch. Sad to say, but I'm just now, at 53 years old, learning that without people to receive, then giving wouldn't be so special and that by refusing the gift, nice comment, a meal, whatever "it" may be... that you are actually refusing to let the giver receive their blessing from God.
Those that have been there for us - now and in the past - are going to be receiving blessings from God that I couldn't even begin to repay. It's all His to give anyway. He has used me in the past to be the giver and now He's showing me that there is no room for false humility in refusing to receive. It's been a humbling experience to say the least. I'm still learning how to not act so completely surprised that people think about us enough - because God has put us on their hearts - to even care about us. That's going to take a little more time.
We know He has a plan for us and we know that He will supply our every need, no matter what season of life we are in. We know that as sure as we breathe. And we thank-Him that He is teaching us how to receive in our hearts the love He has for us when He uses people to bless us in so many ways. We will not be down forever... When we are back on our feet, we will be continuing to give - that's how we were created to be - but next time it will be with a new understanding of the person on the receiving end.
May the blessings of God continue to pass from hand to hand, around from person to person, on this awesome planet we call earth. Oh yeah, and thanks God for allowing me to continue to learn something "new" everyday, even if it's something you've been trying to teach me my whole life.
Now excuse me while I go sweep up the dust from some of the bricks that have been falling from my walls. Thank-you and God Bless you...
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