It's a few days before Christmas. Stores are bustling with people trying one last time to find that perfect gift for Christmas. Lists are being made, scratched off and made again. Preparations are being made for feasts from one end of the globe to another. Church services are being planned hoping to have just the right take on words to finally get through to some of the hardest of hearts. Clothes are being ironed and freshened so everyone can look their best. Beauty salons are trying to work their magic on young and old alike. Cookies are baking, trees are being decorated, children are wound up in anticipatioin, songs are being sung, etc. Ah, the week of Christmas....

Then there is the flip side. For some it's a lonely time, a sad time, a time of remembering Christmas' past when visions of sugarplums danced in heads and a time to cry. 'Tis the season to be jolly - unless of course, you're not. Some will be facing the holiday alone for the very first time. Some will be looking at an empty chair and wishing that there was "one more time". Some will be looking at empty chairs, wondering if their missing loved one is all alone in some far, distant land. Some will just drink the week away, as if to wipe it off the calendar in some sadistic ritual. Some have been alone so long that it just doesn't matter. Some are facing insurmountable obstacles this Christmas season. Some are in financial ruins, some are facing their last Christmas on earth, some are too sick to remember what day it is. There are even some who are lost in the vast recesses of their minds, hardly recognizable to themselves or their loved ones.

And then there are those stuck between the two worlds, with a foot on each side, not sure which one will pull them in as the clock ticks down to Christmas day. They're facing battles of their own and staring down the demons within that are tempting to choke the joy right out of their souls. Yet there is still that little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, there will be a miracle or two for them this year. Bravo for those who can still let that single tear drip down their cheeks and find that little bit of twinkle left in their eye. That is exactly what Jesus was born for. To give that little glimmer of hope to a lost world.

This has been a hard few years for us. Things are looking a bit bleak this year and I have found that the things that have brought me such happiness in the past, seem insignificant at best this year. It's hard to get into the Christmas swing of things when you just don't have the funds. We go to the store and it takes every bit of willpower I have not to cry as we stick closely to the preplanned grocery list, not daring to look towards the other side of the store. The thrill of finding that one truly unique gift is lost this year because, quite frankly, if we did find it, we couldn't do anything about it anyway, so in many ways, it's just easier not to look. With no job on the horizon and no certainty of what tomorrow will bring, we have to just hunker down and pray for better days - soon.

Healthwise this has been a roller coaster ride of a year for me. Oh, I'm in far better shape than I was last year. After all, last year at this time, I was laying in a hopsital bed with a fresh scar from an open lung biopsy. Alone, scared and not knowing what tomorrow would bring. Oliver in one state, me in another, and no idea of when that would change. It was while in that lowest point that our house finally sold and that glimmer of hope was reignited in our lives. And there was Igloo, sweet, sweet Igloo. Oh how that dog could make me laugh, in the pits of my despair and in the freezing cold of Chicago winters, I could find reason to giggle as he would just do his Igloo antics. We had a future and a hope.

This year, while not catastrophic in the grand scheme of things, is difficult still the same. It's been hard on us to have Oliver lose his job and not be able to get one response from the hundreds of resumes he's sent out and appllications he's put in. I have to admit that sometimes the battle in my mind has become overwhelming. This year was supposed to be better... and after very careful and difficult evaluation, in many ways it is. There are blessings to be found in the midst of our lack of Christmas chaos. We miss Igloo but yet, at least Oliver and I are in the same place at the same time. We have been spending time together (ok, maybe a bit too much time... lol) We have wonderful friends who have truly become our family. We have a great church and home that we love.

And then there is the stillness that I never knew existed this time of year and believe it or not, there has been a gift in it. Because of circumstances, we have had to re-evaluate our traditions and ways of "doing" Christmas. Not by choice, mind you, but merely by circumstance, we have been forced to set aside the trappings of the season and just "be." We don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the day after that. We don't know if we'll still be here in the home that we love so much, or if we'll lose this home or just have to move because Oliver gets a job in yet another place. With the market as unstable as it is, we don't even know if we'll be able to sell if it comes down to it. We don't know if this will be my last Christmas or not. The latest reports from the doctors were not promising and yet, they still aren't quite sure what we're dealing with. It becomes very frustrating. The medications are not working and they make me feel awful and I'm caught between trying to decide to keep on fighting with this course of treatment or just begging off of it all altogether. The struggle marches on daily.

There are days we're up and days we're down. There is no way of knowing how far things will spiral out of control before they take the anticipated upturn. I can't even say I have peace in the midst of this storm. Oh I know it will all be alright, I just can't define what "alright" is. And yet there is still this little flicker in the depths of my heart that remind me that this is the season of miracles. Just as miracles have been happening for so many, many years before us and will continue for many years after our demise, there are still miracles to be found in this day. That is what keeps us going. Knowing, without a doubt, that there is a future and a hope for us. A plan predestined long before we were born. I don't know what form that will take, but I do know on whose birth I can pin that hope... and that is what ultimately this time is all about. The birth of Jesus. Whether you believe or not the rest of the year, within all of us there is that glimmer that starts to flicker at the least little stimulus of airflow. Do you feel God blowing on your heart today? I know I do and it's that hope that will carry me on - no matter what the future holds.

So don't bother to wipe the tear off my cheek. I wear it as a badge of honor because it's proof that hope still springs eternal and that there are brighter days ahead, just as there have been in the past. And in many ways, that makes this the best Christmas ever... no package strings attached. Merry Christmas.