Life is funny. Some days you feel on top of the world and other days you feel as if the world is on top of you. And then some days you're just not sure which is which. Today is one of those days for me.
Our life and future is so uncertain. We don't know when or if we'll have to move. Oliver sends out resume after resume and nothing. He's pounded the pavement, and still not a bite. We remember joking around that he could always become a Walmart greeter in his old age. Let me tell you, those jobs are NOT easy to come by. Unemployment will be running out and it will be the end of October before he can even think about collecting social security, neither of which comes near covering our monthly expenses.
With my lungs and health as bad as it is, I cannot work outside the home and haven't been able to find anything that I can do right from here, where I can control my environment and the bathroom is not too far away after I take my meds. I know, TMI.
And yet as I sit here on the back porch gazing into the woods that are our backyard, I feel a complete sense of calm and peace. I'm watching the cardinals and blue jays playing on the ground, the squirrels scampering about - chasing each other like there's no tomorrow, a couple of field mice are happily pecking around the moss-covered ground, and earlier a bunch of deer crossed by just a short distance away, the mourning doves cooing from somewhere in the trees. It's a beautiful sight. The sun is casting dappled shade on the ground and the wind is blowing with the smell of freshly cut wild onions. It's quiet, not a machine sound or man-made sound to be heard. Just the sweet sound of leaves rustling and birds chirping and cooing, squirrels chattering, and sometimes absolutely nothing. There is such beauty in complete silence.
I realize that if our lives hadn't taken the turns that it has, that I would not be sitting here enjoying every moment of this awesome experience. Perhaps we'd be out shopping, buying things that we really don't need just to be doing something. Perhaps we'd be too busy going from here to there, rushing and gaining nothing. Nope, here I am... Oliver took the shopping list and went to the store alone for the few things that we need. Less tempation and frustration for me if I'm not along and a whole lot quicker for him.
Do I wish I knew what tomorrow would bring? Yes, absolutely, but not at the expense of losing today. My prayer is that we really don't have to move back into a city environment. I admit that I've become quite attached to our little country life. It touches and completes a part of me inside that never was happy in the city. I don't like the hustle and bustle of the big cities, never have. Nope, this peace and tranquility and yes, even simplicity is much more my style.
I KNOW my neighbors and more importantly, I love them. There is more physical distance between us than I've ever known and yet I feel closer to them than if I could reach out the window and touch them. I love our little one stoplight town with the newly paved sidelwalks and gaslamps. We even have a brick in the sidewalk outside the Sawmeal Restaurant with our name on it. We feel connected.
We have a church family that we love more than anything and funny thing is that we actually believe that they love us. Really. I don't want to lose this life and I don't want to leave it but if the time comes that we actually do have to move on, then I will still be grateful for having this time, like today, to have stopped and really been in it whole-heartedly and not just passing through in a rush of mindless activity. As I look towards the end of our property and see the little fence around where Igloo and Sadie are buried, a tear drops down my cheek but it's not totally from sadness and missing them. Part of it's for gratitide that I've had such a special time in my life because I was forced by circumstances beyond my control to stop and smell, really smell, the roses.
My life may not be perfect and it's certainly not settled but crazy as it is right now, today, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Somehow in the midst of the turmoil, I have found a peace that surpasses all understanding and I like it. Tomorrow the tears may fall again but today, right now, I'm finding plenty of reasons to smile .So, if you're looking for me, I'm sitting here out on the back porch overlooking my little kingdom, ice water in hand, enjoying every simple moment of it. <3 May your day be just as blessed.
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