I was once told that I have a very tenacious spirit. I laughed it off at the time and thought it was just a unique way of saying that I was stubborn. As the years have gone by, those words have stuck in my head and I haven't been able to quite let them go. So, like any good student of life would do, I explored the actual meaning of the word - tenacious. Webster defines it as "tending to hold fast; not easily pulled apart; tending to adhere or cling; persistent in maintaining, adhering to or seeking something valued or desired." Hmmm. Guess that person had a point. The more those words have steeped in my brain, the more real and accurate they seem.
I am generally a private person. Oh, I'm outgoing and will talk to anybody about just about anything and occasionally use things that have happened in my life to prove a point, but for the most part, very few people indeed know what makes me who I am. Very few know of the struggles and obstacles I have faced in my life. As I sit here with seemingly the weight of the world on my shoulders and my entire life in an upheaval, God has placed it on my heart to share some of what I've been through. So, for a private person who hates to journal, this will not be an easy task. Funny thing about knowing that your time to meet your maker is drawing ever closer - you certainly don't want to NOT do what He's asking you to do. Nope, I don't want to stand before the judgement seat and find out that God had wanted to use something that I had been through to help someone else and that because of my pride, insecurities and/or fear, I didn't listen and obey. I'll be blogging as God puts things on my heart to share - in no particular order. You're welcome to come along for the ride. A lot of the things I'll be sharing I have never spoken of before. I may be changing names to keep people I love - and even those who I may not deem as my favorite peeps - from getting hurt. My point is not to cause pain to anyone, I just need to share the experience - names and specifics are truly irrelevant. The rest is in God's hands on how He wants it to touch people. Some things will be hard to read and even harder to write, but hang in there with me. In each and every instance, I have seen God's light beckoning me forward and carrying me through.
Getting back to the tenacious spirit. I have had to fight an uncooperative body my whole life. Many times through the years I have come close to not pulling through with the doctors having no idea why. Too many times to even share in one blog. I have caused many a doctor sleepless nights I'm sure. But I was born a fighter. I recall my mom sharing that I gave her quite the scare in the delivery room. As they slapped my bottom, I didn't make a peep. They cleared my airways and tried again - still no sound. Ok, you can quit smiilng now, I know I've made up for that in spades, but to a delivering mother who didn't even have time to get any meds or an epidural before delivery, that lack of sound was frightening. The doctors scrambled to see what, if anything, was wrong but they just couldn't figure it out. My breathing was labored at first but quickly I caught on and before long, all was well. The doctor told my mom that I was fighter and somewhere deep down inside, those words must have taken root.
I spent my toddler years with tonsillitis, ear infections, sinus infections and myriad colds and allergies. My biggest budget buster for school supplies was never the paper or pencils, but the boxes of Kleenex. Most kids came with a box to share the first day of school to share for the year and I had to lug four or five boxes myself and still would have to bring more before the school year was done. I remember like it was yesterday when I had to finally have my tonsils removed. It was the same day my first grade class was going on a field trip. Instead of boarding a bus to go to Hawthorn Melody Farms to see real cows get milked, I was being whisked away in a car to Lutheran General Hospital for surgery. The tonsils came out fine but for some reason, I had trouble with the anesthesia and breathing. Instead of being able to go home in a day or so, I was stuck in the hospital for a week - still stewing because I had to miss the field trip, my FIRST field trip no less. They had trouble stopping the bleeding and getting my oxygen levels regulated. No explanation as to why and quite frankly, I guess I had the doctor a bit concerned because every time they thought they had me stabilized, something would go wrong. But he knew I was fighting and even he said no medicine was a match for that. My mom, up until the day she died, attributes my health scares to her consistently premature graying hair and always wondered if it was all because secretly I was thrilled with living on root beer popsicles.
I never was one to be able to even think about perfect attendance at school. Most years I was perilously close to being held back because of days missed. My only saving grace was that my grades were excellent and that I did work my butt off - for the most part. There were subjects that I wasn't thrilled with but on the ones that I was, there was no stopping me. I'd chomp on every piece of information that I could sink my teeth into. I'd sleep, eat and breathe it until I felt that I really knew the subject and not just enough to get a passing grade. Guess I was a bit tenacious in my research. I was a standard fixture at the library where I aced the dewey decimal system and could find a book faster than many a full time librarian. Today I have a world of information at my fingertips and only a mouse click away.
When my mother became ill and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, I'd scour the limited medical resources we had at our local library to see if I could "help". In the meantime, I watched as my mom shuttled from doctor to doctor trying to find answers as to why her body was failing her and doctor after doctor thinking that it was all in her head. They'd admit that she didn't look well but no tests were coming up with definitive answers, and quite frankly, they didn't bother to even look beyond the obvious. It was hard for her and very frustrating and hard for me because I felt helpless. One of the hardest things I've ever faced in my life was watching someone I love die and not be able to do one thing about it. I watched not only her body diminish but her will and her spirit as well. I'll go into more of that at another time.
On a cold January afternoon, while I was at graduation practice, my mother slipped away from us. I came home to find her lifeless body on the couch on the very day I was graduating from high school. I called the ambulance and stood by waiting to hear the words that I knew were coming... "I'm sorry, but she's gone." Somewhere in that time frame, life stood still. I remember going through the motioins but somehow I was protected from feeling the pain. I graduated from high school that night and in one day my entire world changed. It didn't stop there and actually my tenacity served me well in the days to come. Again, that's something I'll be touching on at another time.
I'll be sharing about having to fight for rights, against family, against doctors, against illnesses and a host of other things. Yet through each and every struggle, I've seen God's blessings shine through. I've seen how the seemingly separate pieces of a puzzle that make no sense are fitting together to form the perfect picture of what has become my life. I have not been thrilled with many of the things I have been through, but as I sit here and glance back at each and every piece, I'm beginning to see how each was needed to fill in the tapestry of my life. I have some tattered threads and there are places yet to be filled, but I'm finally able to see some of the ways in which God has carried me through each and every circumstance and somehow in the midst of it all, I became stronger, and yes, even more tenacious. I am not a quitter. I admit that the news of late has not been good and the doctors are giving up on me, but you know what? They've given up on me before and I'm still here. I will continue to fight with every breathe I take until I breathe my last. And that, my friend, you can take to the Bank of Tenacity. More later....
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