I just don't understand

Why is "normal and happy" such an unattainable place for me? All my life that's all I've ever wanted and every time I get some little bit of happiness, something happens to take the joy right out of it. It's been a pattern that I have not been able to break since the day I was born.

Of course, you all know that most recently the pain is from losing my dear, sweet Igloo. He was my everything. He was by my side, or more appropriately in my face, pretty much on a constant basis. The only times he wasn't when was he was sleeping, eating, or in Olivers face. The three of us did everything together. We'd go for rides in the car just to check out this beautiful area that we've moved to, with Igloo barking hello to everyone he saw. We'd play in the yard and of course, in every area of the house. Everywhere are memories of good times with Igloo. He was a lifesource for us, a bright shining beacon of hope in a sometimes scary world.

Every day we thanked God for our blessings and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I wasn't looking for "the other shoe to drop." I basked in the glow of a full heart and complete and utter happiness despite the physical challenges that I face. I had hope. In an instant, in a twisted act of fate, a true accident, all of that changed. And with that change, I not only am feeling the pain of losing him, but also wondering why it is that I can never have more than a fleeting moment of true happiness. Even the big moments in my life have been tainted by angst and pain.

My first field trip in school. I was so looking forward to going to the dairy farm up in Northern Illinois. We had talked about it for weeks and the anticipation was almost too much to bear for me. I was so excited. Instead I spent that day in the hospital getting my tonsils out. Of course, not only that day but quite a few more because my throat wasn't healing like it should and I kept spitting up blood. So much for the first field trip. Graduating from high school. Should have been a happy day and one filled with excitement and anticipation of a bright future. Mine was shadowed by the death of my mother that very afternoon and filled with funerals and estates and bills. I had prayed so hard that she live 'til my graduation day. It meant so much to her that I was graduating. She did. God answered that prayer to a "t". Then I've spent the next 35 years beating myself up because I didn't ask for more time with her, for a longer life for her, for complete healing, etc.

Getting married. My father, rest his soul, couldn't be bothered to even come, let alone give me away. Can't tell you the roller coaster ride that relationship was in my life up until the day he died. Fortunately we were able to hash most of it out in those months before his death, so that helped. It really wasn't personal. It had more to do with the bitter divorce between him and my mother. Still it hurt me.

The birth of my son. I get the flu a few days before going into labor and I'm deathly ill when the labor starts. We get to the hospital, in the middle of a snowstorm no less, where I spend the next couple of days in labor, watching mothers come in, give birth and go home with their babies. All the while, I'm in labor. Finally they take me in for a c-section and still I can't be happy. There were complications with the surgery and my body went haywire, so I spent the next month in the hospital, clinging to life by a thread. I didn't even get to hold my son until he was a month old. Kinda sucked the joy out of that moment.

That same son, who is now 29, isn't talking to me and I'm not even sure why. That seems to add to the pain. He knows how much Igloo meant to me, and his dad, and not even a phone call or an email. We know he knows, Kim has emailed me. But that is another pain that weighs heavy on my heart. I pray for him and pray that God shows him that we are his parents who love him and have sacrificed for him all our lives. I continue to do so today. I'm going through all the stuff at Vanderbilt that I am, not for my life - but for his and for Eli's. My mom was my age when she died, under similar symptoms and if there is some way to find out why and stop it, then I'm pursuing it so that Dan and Eli can stay ahead of it. Him not caring really hurts too.

I have not one, but two brothers that have ridden off into the sunset of their lives and I have no idea where either of them are. My oldest brother has been missing for almost 40 years and to this day I do not know whether he is alive or dead. My younger brother chose to walk away and not look back. Neither had an offense towards me personally, but that doesn't mean their choices haven't effected me or caused me pain.

I've lost many friends that have died under sometimes long illness circumstances and sometimes in the blink of an eye, unexpectedly. I know all too well how our days are so precious and that none of us are promised tomorrow. I've seen it firsthand way too many times in my life. That's part of why I try to live each day to the fullest, enjoying each small, quiet, "normal" moment that I can. I try to never take anything for granted.

Some of the other stories, I've mentioned in other blogs. My life has been peppered with major life experiences out-shadowing the moments in my life that should be "normal and happy." I just can't seem to get a break. And yet each day I wake up thinking that surely this time things will work out because in the end of all the stories, good outweighs evil. Right?

Igloo was my prince in white fur. For a short time I actually got to experience the unconditional love and pure joy that he brought to my life. And I will be forever grateful for those times. I don't need to wonder if he knew he was loved - he did. We showered him every day with our love and affection. That's part of what makes this so hard. There will be no more opportunities to do that. I look around the house and all I see are glimpses in my mind of what was and what will be no more. I go outside and see the same. I go for a drive, and the streets that made me smile and feel so at peace less than one week ago, tug at my heart and cause me to cry. We know he loved us - more than anything, except maybe Sadie. Still it hurts and the tears keep flowing.

I am grateful for the friends who have understood and I really do understand the thoughts of those who don't. My life is not lacking for love at all. It's not that. It's an old turmoil that unfortunately has been churned up too often in my life. Is it a curse? Shouldn't be, I've gone through every thing I can to break any curses that might have been placed. Am I running from it and bottling it up so that I don't have to deal with it? Hardly. I'm feeling it with every fiber of my being and trying so hard to see what it is in the lesson that I'm missing.

Oh I've been through this enough to know not to say I will never smile again or find a reason to laugh. I know I will - it's part of who I am. I laugh hard when I'm happy and cry hard when I'm sad. I feel. Some say I'm oversensitive and they're probably right. But I would rather be that than not feel at all. As long as I'm feeling, be it pain or joy, I know I'm still alive. I know that there is still love in my heart and that despite my best efforts to wall it off, someway, somehow, someone or something will sneak behind the walls and capture it. They always do. But I have to admit that few get to that place easily.

Every day I see people treating each other badly and I want to go up and shake them sometimes and tell them not to do it. To tell them that it's moments like this that will replay in their minds over and over again when there are no more moments with that person in their lives. I want to ask them "if this were the last day of your life, is this how you would like to be remembered? And if this were the last day in the other person's life, is this the moment you want to remember?"

I know I am not unique in experiencing the things that I have. Not by a longshot. And I know that there are people who have experienced things far more horrific than I ever will, or at least I hope not to. I know the pain I'm in now and the tears that I'm shedding are not going to last forever. I know that one day these memories that cause me to cry so hard now will bring a smile of peace and remembrance to my heart. I know that somewhere amidst this dark cloud, the sun still shines and life will go on.

I just want to ride out the rest of my life "normal and happy" but I just can't seem to. I thought I was going to. I know there's some reaon to all of this that I just don't understand... I KNOW all that in my head, but I just don't understand why I can't get my heart to.