Most of you know that I lost my precious puppy, Igloo, just one month ago. It has been heartbreaking to say the least. But in the midst of the pain there have been bright moments. The day after he died, I was devastated and just going through the motions of life. I managed to water my plants outside and really not a whole lot more. I could not bear the thought of the plants dying too. While I was out there doing that chore, the cutest little yellow butterfly flitted by and made me smile through my tear streaked eyes. Following close behind, came a second, much smaller yellow butterfly. As I watched the two play in flight, I was reminded of how Igloo and Sadie used to play just like that. It was almost eerie but in their play, I did find some comfort.
For weeks now whenever I seem to get a bit overwhelmed and am really missing Igloo, I can look out the window and sure enough there would be the butterfly. Sometimes the smaller one is there, but most times it's just the bigger one. Occasionally he'll land on the screen and it seems like he's smiling at me. Oh I know what you're thinking... it's the meds... or grab the straight jacket. Trust me I thought that too, at first, but it has happened all too often. One day last week a friend stopped by and we were outside talking and the yellow butterfly came up on him, just like Igloo would have, to check him out. I didn't say anything, but I certainly noticed.
Yesterday I was mowing the jungle and it was hard. I had to mow right by the little area we have set up where Igloo and Sadie are buried. I admit, the tears started burning my eyes and then out of nowhere, the butterfly appeared and stayed around me the whole time I was out there, bobbing and weaving around me like he wanted to play. At one point I looked across the field between our house and our neighbors, the same field that we would see Sadie come bounding across and sure enough, here came the second little butterfly. Even I had to laugh.
It was just like old times only they were in the air and not in the line of fire of the lawnmower. There was a time when the heat, the tears and the emotions got to be a bit too much and I had to stop the mower in the middle of the yard. By this time it was just the one butterfly again and he came and sat on the steering wheel right in front of me. We just sat there staring at each other and I can't explain it but I felt this sense of calm. This sense that it was alright... not perfect, but alright.
I can go out on the porch and "talk" to Igloo and sure enough that butterfly will come out of nowhere. I think it has a mission, a mission to help me through. And I gotta say that it's doing its mission quite well. I still cry and my heart still hurts, but each day I move forward and each day I find a reason to smile and laugh. I know it sounds weird but just as Igloo helped me through before, I'm finding a little yellow butterfly and his friend helping me now.
As I look back through some of the deaths of people that I have had in my life, I have found that there have always been butterflies that have appeared in times of need. My sister-in-law last year, my best friend a couple of years ago, my aunt, my mother - although those didn't show up until spring but I didn't cry for her until then, so many more.... Not all have been yellow, some have been purple and even a bright lapis blue that was gorgeous. Coincidental? To my rational mind, yes. But somewhere in the depths of my spirit, I feel they are more than that. I am inspired by their freedom, entranced by their beauty and compelled to watch them and find a smile from somewhere deep inside me that I didn't think I would ever find again.
They say that God shows Himself in some simple ways... I believe He shows me that things are ok through butterflies. And I thank-Him for it. I miss my puppy terribly and it is still so very hard but I can see the beauty in life again and I owe that to the butterflies. One day I'll leave this life and I'll soar like an eagle into parts unknown and I pray that God will send butterflies to those who will miss me the most to remind them that I'm soaring and free. No more pain, no more meds, no more fears, no more tears, the struggles of this earth left behind. I'm a fighter and I have too many things yet to accomplish here but when my call comes, forgive me if I leave you for awhile and take my flight. Trust that God will help you through 'til we meet again on the other side of glory. In the meantime, you'll find me outside talking to a couple of yellow butterflies like a looney old woman. And that suits me just fine for now.
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