Once again I was denied disability from Social Security. This time it wasn't because they don't think I'm sick enough to qualify but because I haven't gotten enough credits in recent years to qualify. So because I've been too sick to work and they thought that I wasn't sick enough when they deinied me last time, I'm just out of luck. Go figure. Had I gotten the correct diagnosis when I applied the last time, all of this would be a moot point. Now they're telling me that I'm not eligible until I'm 62 and according to the doctors, I won't live that long. It's not so much the money itself (although that would certainly help) but it's the fact that I cannot get any help with insurance, medications or medical expenses without being declared disabled by Social Security. It's a catch-22 and I'm losing big time.
It's disappointing because I have worked hard all my life. I got my first job at 15 and worked up until I could no more. I played by the rules and those rules are doing nothing but shutting me out now. They are also saying I don't qualify for SSI because Oliver makes too much in Social Security. Excuse me? That doesn't even cover our mortgage. sigh...
So as it stands right now, my COBRA insurance will be ending in March with no possibliity of extending since I can't get qualified as disabled under Social Security, I have no way of bringing in any income that I have been able to maintain, I will automatically be disqualified from getting on the transplant list because I will have no insurance and basically I'm screwed through no wrongdoing on my part. Yeah, I'm discouraged but for some reason I still have hope. It's that feeling of hope that drives me to wake up each morning and get out of bed. Somehow I just know deep down in my spirit that God has it all worked out. I just can't see it now and in the natural, things are looking pretty bleak.
As I sit here and look at our Christmas tree and this beautiful house that God blessed us with, I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be able to enjoy it. I just don't know but I do know that tonight I will be able to see the white lights shine on the tree, turn on our little electric fireplace that also is a heater and have a nice cup of hot chocolate. So for tonight, all is alright. Do I think about tomorrow, oh yeah, but I can't worry about it. Do I cry, you betcha, but I know that each tear I shed is being caught by a loving Father who has it all worked out. I just have to remember that. Some days I do but then there are those moments when my all to human nature kicks in and I start to fret.
I don't know why life has always had to be so doggone difficult for me. I don't understand why I have had to struggle for some of the very basics that mose people take for granted. But I do know that God chose me to walk this path and all I can do is walk it out the best that I know how - with Him by my side. Life didn't turn out the way I dreamed it would but I have always tried to play, to the best of my ability, the hand that I've been dealt. Sometimes I win the game and sometimes I don't, but I always belly up to the table for another round. So dealer, hit me... and let's get on with this game called life.
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