Hard to Believe...

It's hard to believe that it was 36 years ago today that my life turned on a dime. It was a cold January day as I kissed my mom goodbye and told her I'd see her later. I was off for graduation rehearsal at the high school and filled with wonder, anticipation and excitement. I was so excited that I turned back one more time towards her before heading out the door and said "I love you Mom" and she returned the sentiment in kind. Our class was so large that we had to divide graduation up into two parts and those of us with enough credits were given the privilege of graduating in January. Once at the school, we learned where we were to stand in line, how to move our tassels from one side to the other as we crossed the stage, how to accept the diploma with one hand and shake the principal's hand with the other and if we had been really lucky through high school, this would be the first time we'd be close enough to his face to see the freckles on his nose. Those who had found themselves in trouble through the years knew those freckles all too well. I had always thought that the freckles had been part of the rumor, but no, they really were there.


It was an ordinary day in the life of a typical suburban teenager... or so I thought. After graduation practice, a couple of us wandered over for a quick lunch and then I went to get my paycheck from Goldblatt's department store before heading home. I remember the sun shining brightly and glistening off the snow as I sang along to the radio, free from the classroom prison and looking forward to "adult" life. I had a strange feeling as I pulled into the driveway of the only home I had known my whole life. The house my dad had built on Scott St. in the city of Des Plaines, which is a suburb of Chicago and literally a stone's throw away from O'Hare airport. The air seemed still and quiet and that was a rarity in that close of proximity to the airport. I shook off the feeling and went bounding into the house like I had done on so many occasions before.
As soon as I opened the door, I just knew something was wrong. I saw my mom sleeping on the couch which wasn't that strange of a sight at all. She had been sick for quite a few years and was known to just stay on the couch for days at a time. What was different this time was that she didn't wake up as soon as the door opened. As a matter of fact, she didn't wake up when I called her. She just lay there motionless. I just knew. A rush of panic quickly streamed through my body but as quick as it entered, it left again and I sprang into training mode. She had taught me well on what to do in anticipation that this day would one day arrive. I didn't see her chest moving in the labored breathing that she had been doing for a while now. I didn't see it moving at all. No need to check for a pulse, like I said, I just knew. I walked over to the phone and dialed 911. I explained to the dispatcher that my mom was not breathing and non-responsive. In those days we had to give the information as to where we were located so I quickly told her our address and then waited for what seemed to be an eternity but was in actuality no more than a few minutes.


The ambulance pulled into the driveway and as I openend the front door of our house to let them in, the front doors of countless neighbors began to open to see what the fuss was all about. The paramedics went to my mom and checked for vitals and shook their heads at one another before glancing over in my direction. I stood there motionless but very composed. After all I was my mother's daughter and I had been trained well. No need to break down now, there would be time for that later. There was "business" to attend to. They loaded her lifeless body on to the gurney and covered her with a blanket. It was a cold January day after all. All the neighbors stood in their doorways as the ambulance passed by, quietly, with no rush. As I looked around the neighborhood, doors closed and they went on about their lives. I turned and went back to the phone.


I called my aunt and uncle who lived across town and gave them the news. I needed to go to the hospital to sign some papers and I would call them again when I got back. The next call was to a good friend of the family, who just happened to be a nurse in the family doctors office. Her husband would go pick up my little brother from school if I wasn't back in time to meet him at home and she would accompany me to the hospital and she called my church's office. I got in the car and headed north on Scott Street and she was standing on the corner as I pulled up to the street she lived on. She sized me over quickly and deduced that I really was quite capable of driving and let me continue on.


We got to the hospital and I was escorted into a room to fill out the papers. Lorraine waited in the waiting room for me. I was about half way through when my aunt and uncle came in. My aunt was very distraught and quite hysterical. I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed by it. My mom had been sick for quite a few years so while the exact timing might have been a surprise, the fact that she had finally died really wasn't. She was furious at me because I wasn't crying and all upset. She had no idea what I was feeling because quite frankly, I had no idea what I was feeling. I was sad but also relieved that my mother was no longer going to have to suffer. I had watched her suffer day in and day out. I saw her struggle to take a breath and struggle to walk the few feet to the bathroom. I had watched her struggle to keep up her strenghth on the rare occasion that someone would stop by to see her, only to collapse in a heap when they left. I knew that now she was at peace.


I finally finished the paperwork and was preparing to head home to break the news to my younger brother. I checked my watch and I knew I had enough time to get there and be there as he arrived home. My aunt and uncle decided to come to the house as well. I made them promise to wait behind a little bit so that I had a chance to explain to Kenny before they came in. It was going to be hard enough but I didn't need to worry about how much harder it would be on him if they were already there and she was out of control. Reluctantly they agreed and Lorraine wisely stayed behind with them to ensure they lived up to their end. I quickly raced home and straightened up a bit before Kenny came in. As soon as he came in, he just knew. He looked to me, his big sister, as the rock he had come to know over the past several years. He knew that somehow I'd lead us through all this.


He agreed to go stay at Lorraine's family's house for the evening so that I could go on to graduation. Now most people would have probably just canceled and not gone but that was never an option for me. Graduation was a very important thing to my mother and I wasn't about to let her down by not going and Lorraine was not going to let me go alone. There were three more calls I made, one to my boss, Lil, and one to Mrs. Harris who was the wife of my teacher and mentor who had died just two short months earlier and the third and final one to the phone company. My father and mother had been divorced for many, many years and I didn't have his phone number. He had a private, unlisted number and there was no way for me to reach him. I asked the phone company to contact him and ask him to call me, that it was an emergency. They agreed.


My aunt and uncle arrived and through, what I'm guessing to have been some stern warnings from Lorraine, acted like adults and did not stay long. They hugged Kenny, for which I was grateful and then said they would talk to us tomorrow. They were disappointed that I was going to go to graduation instead of going to their house but did their very best to hide their disapproval. I was, after all, my mother's daughter and they knew the stubborn streak that ran down that trunk of the tree all too well.


Shortly after they left, my father called and I filled him in. Now mind you, this was my father... he began to lambast me for calling him and disrupting his day. For the life of him he couldn't figure out why I had called him. Gotta admit that at that very moment, neither did I. Being the teen that I was, I just snapped back that "you were married to her for 18 years, I didn't think you'd want to just read about it in the Chicago Tribune. Sorry I bothered you" and I did something that would have met with disapproval from my mother, I hung up on him. She had always taught us to respect adults, but I have learned through the years that sometimes it's hard to respect adults who don't act like adults. Sorry Mom.


I went and cleaned up and got ready to go. I dropped Kenny off at Lorraine's and she and I went on to the high school. When I got there, Lil and Mrs. Harris were there for me as well. I had three very special people there to show their support and love. I remember being there but really don't remember too much about it. I know I got my diploma because I still have it in the box of memories that I have set aside in a corner of the storage shed. After graduation, the ladies took me out to eat - mostly to make sure that I did in fact eat. We went to a local restaurant called the Noble House in Mt. Prospect and they had live entertainment. The band was so sweet and even dedicated some songs to me and to my mother. I was truly blessed to have such sweet people in my life.


I went and picked up Kenny and headed home. He was still pretty upset and it took a while for me to calm him down and get him to finally fall asleep. Just as I was about to turn out the lights and head off to bed myself, the phone rang. On the other end was a very drunk version of the father I had hung up on just hours ago. This time he was being sweet as pie and the antenna in my brain shot up like a rocket. Of course HE decided that my mom would be buried on a hill under the shade of an old oak tree in some cemetery far away, yada, yada. Um, nope. My mom had left very explicit instructions and I was not going to waiver from all the training that I had been given. He and my aunt "had been talking" (uh-oh) and this was what they decided. I respectfully, yes really, declined and told them they had no say. I was meeting with the funeral director in the morning and I had everything written out in my mother's handwriting.


First thing in the morning I headed back to the high school that 24 hours earlier I was so looking forward to not having to grace again. I met with a counselor who helped me find and hire a local attorney. Imagine the look on my dad's and aunt's face when I arrived at the funeral home with an attorney in tow. Perhaps a bit of overkill but I was determined to follow my mother's wishes. They backed down immediately and let me handle it all. There I was at 17, the day after graduating high school, having to pick out a casket and all the arrangements to go with it, having to deal with disgruntled "family" and attorneys, and facing spending the next several months to a year settling an estate. Not what I had in mind for sure but I did what I had to do.


I grew up in a span of 24 hours more than most people take a decade or more to do. As the rest of my classmates were finishing out their high school years, I was heading on a train downtown to hearings and court dates. As they planned for the prom, I was settling into an apartment all alone. Kenny had gone to live with my dad and he refused to let me see or talk to him after that. It really was ok with me because I was having a hard enough time trying to take care of myself let alone a little brother too. Plus it was about time he took responsibility for one of the three children he fathered with my mother. My older brother had been missing for a few years, so I was dealing with private investigators trying to find him as well. Never did find him which made settling the estate that much harder. Not that there was really much to settle by the time the dust settled. They lawyers and PI's managed to wipe it all out in fees and we were left with nothing. I still had funeral bills and other bills to pay off myself and I paid back every last red cent owed.


So, you ask, why am I writing this now and why did I title it "It's hard to believe..."? Quite simple really, It's hard for me to believe that so many people can go through life taking for granted those everyday moments that can be wiped away forever in an instant. Oh it may not be on your graduation day, but mark my words, some time in your life you will cross that bridge. Please, for me, will you take just a few moments to really connect with those around you that you love? Will you tell them you love them and appreciate them? Can you do that for me? Because I can't do that anymore. Through the years I did make amends with my dad and my aunt and am forever grateful that I did before they too died. I learned a big lesson at a very vulnerable age and I have never let that lesson go to waste. In case I haven't told YOU lately, I love you and I am glad that our paths have crossed. Some of us walked the same road for a season and some of our lives just intersected for a moment, but each stretch of highway has blessed me and grown me into the woman that I have become. Thank-you and God Bless!