We had a dream....

After many years of hard times, we thought we were finally living it - the American dream. We had moved to this absolutely wonderful place in Tennessee which put us closer to our kids, there was plenty of room for Igloo (our American Eskimo) to run and a house that surpassed even our wildest dreams - for less than we paid for our little townhouse in Illinois.

We found an outstanding church and clicked right in. Real, authentic, compassionate, caring people whom we have come to love very, very much. For all practical purposes, everything was perfect. And it was, until one fateful afternoon when Igloo was killed along wtih the neighbors dog and our perfect little world showed signs of crashing. Less than two months later, Oliver lost the job that we believed that he would be at until retirement and beyond. We believed that it was God's plan as well and all in God's will. Enough so that we took every last dime we had to get here. And here we are. Our old furniture fit in this house like it was fitted for it and built around it. Couldn't have been more perfect. Lovely lot with a ton of trees and a gravel driveway and dirt road.

We have learned so many things about country life that was foreign to us just one short year ago. Many made us laugh until we cried and there were a few that made us cry until we laughed. But the biggest payoff was that we were able to feel. For so many years we had been held hostage to a society whose expectations molded our behaviour and attitudes to fit in with their expectations. Not so here. Here we have been allowed to be as authentic as any one person can be. If I'm having a bad day and I cry, well, by golly they let me cry and bring me a tissue. If I laugh til I cry, they're right there along side me laughing.

Things are murky at best now. We don't know which direction God has planned for us to go in. I know my hearts' desire is to stay, because there is still so much of the dream that is salvagable. But then there is the pulling force beyond that which demands that we stay in God's will. After all He is the one who has the whole big picture already filled out. I remember years ago standing and declaring from the bottom of my heart "Where you lead me I will follow, Where you send me I will go..." Thinking full well that this is where He sent me... and thinking - nice one Lord.

But like all Christians who have stood the test of time and faith, rarely does the final chapter end up wrapped up in such a neat package. This package was no different.

So here we are wondering what tomorrow will bring. Where in the world will Oliver land his next job? We realize that our dream home has become our Isaac. We will be putting it on the market for sale by owner and see how that pans out. If it's the Lord's will for it to sell, it will. If not, well then we still have it for a while. It's totally in His hands and in the meantime, I have come to understand that He has been imploring me to simplify and cut down on the excesses in our lives. We have too much stuff. So in obedience to Him, I am sorting and setting aside a good number of items to be put in a mammoth garage sale as soon as the weather warms... which could be in another month here.

We have little coming in from unemployment and my medicines and Cobra insurance wipe that out right off. That leaves only our meager savings to cover mortgage, utilities, insurance and food. We're doing the best we can. We've started selling Pampered Chef and we're hoping that will help some. We can float for one more month and then savings is depleted and credit cards are getting dangerously close to maxing out.

And yet there is liberation in being in such a vulnerable postition. My doctors at Vanderbilt have pretty much written me off because I do not have long term insurance plans. All of a sudden I am a number and not a very good financial risk for the institution, so these same doctors who were all gun ho when I got here to help me out, have now turned their back and left me high and dry. Disheartening to say the least but mercifully I serve a greater God who is the Divine Healer and I believe that He already has it all worked out.

And I really do believe He has it all worked out. I just need to be obedient to His call. And right now, this week, He is calling me to simplify and cut down on our excess. I don't believe He's leading us into missions, our age is definitely a factor there, not to mention health, but I do believe He has a plan in motion that we need to be ready for. And so we pray and move forward with what we believe to be His direction.

It's not always easy. There are days when the meds make me so sick I can hardly raise my head from the pillow but I fight those urges to give in and hide under the covers. Somedays it literally takes all my strength to take a shower and get dressed, but I do it. For I know that He does have a plan. He may not make it known today or tomorrow, but I certainly don't want to be caught off guard when it does come about.

We have a pastor that I can't even put into words. He may not be a "perfect" pastor to all, but he certainly is the perfect pastor for me and God knew way ahead of time that he was going to be exacctly what I needed. I have never felt so accepted, loved and stretched to be all I can be by any other pastor in my life. Oh there have been others before who have come close, but never any who have strengthened me, healed me, and loved me just for who I am... and really took the time to find out who that person is. He saw through my walls and came right on in and sat down to chat... and Pastor Rob, I love you for that.

He believed in me because he knew that God believed in me. At a time when my vessel has been more broken on so many levels for so many different directions, he saw something there and encouraged it and brought it to life at a time when the likelihood of that seemed almost impossible. He gave me the job of teaching a Lifepointe Class. A daunting task for a vessel who is whole let alone one whose shards seems scattered from one side of this country to another.

Today I am teaching one of those LifePointe classes and you know what? I LOVE it. Gotta admit I was a bit at a loss for words when the class started taking notes on what I was saying. That is a creepy feeling for the first time. But it just goes to show that God takes people at their most broken and turns them into a clay jar of beauty.

The future for us is full of mystery but also full of hope. My hearts desire is to stay here a while longer but I also know that if God calls us to move on, that we will do so with our heads held high and looking forward to the future and the hope He has promised us. We will never forget the lessons we have learned here from people who will ALWAYS have a very special place in our hearts.

My medications make me weepy and uncertain and a bit shaky, but the one thing I know without a doubt remains unchangeable is the God we serve and with Him my life will always turn out better. It may not seem so to the carnal eye, but I know that all heaven rejoices as one of His own move forward into the destiny that He has called them to. I hear your call and yes, Lord, where you lead me I will follow and where you send me I will go... grateful for the love and acceptance I have finally found along the way. Thank-you Jesus, from the bottom of my heart.

Whether that movement will be a physical move or just more stretching from where I'm at, I don't know, but I do know that I trust the one doing the calling more than life itself. Yes, Lord, where You lead me I will follow, Where You send me I will go. So whether I am here for only a few short months or hopefully for many more years, thank-you FaithPointe family for accepting me and allowing me to be me. You have helped me along in a healing process so much farther than you can possible know. I love y'all and if it's up to me, I'll be grazing in Grace with you for a long time to come but just in case that God has other plans, I know I have found friends for life and that has been a dream I have had for all my life. Thank-you all for the love and support that you have shown me and I count you among my most cherished blessings.

My prayer is that God compensates you highly for the blessing that you have been to me and my family. We love you and we know that God is smiling down on His highly favored children and one day when you meet Him in heaven, He will be saying "well done, thy good and fatihful servant." Thank-you and God Bless.