Here we go again. Another road to travel down the medical highway. It all started (this time) before Christmas. I was showering and I noticed a lump on my neck up under my chin on my left side. Hmmm, hadn't felt that before. Oh well, I had a doc appointment the next week so I made a note to myself to mention it to him. I did just that. He felt it and since he was a pulmonologist, it really wasn't in his area of specialty. He told me to tell my ENT the next time I saw him.
Well that wasn't a problem either. Because of the recurrent ear infections, I saw him in a few weeks after that. I did tell him about it but my ears were so gunked up that somehow it just got lost in the shuffle. Strike two. In February I saw my primary care doctor and mentioned it to him. He felt it but since I then also had an active sinus infection, he just prescribed antibiotics and said he'd check it again in a month. A month later he was no longer practicing at the office or seeing patients, so it went unpursued yet again.
I saw a partner of his in the office in March but by that time I was dealing with severe back pain so even I wasn't concerned about the lump in my neck. Finally a couple of weeks ago I saw yet another new PCP and she finally took the time to really examine it after I kept hounding. She agreed that maybe we should get it checked out. So an ultrasound and x-ray were scheduled for last week. The ultrasound showed that it was not a cyst - which is what everyone was hoping for - but a solid mass.
Tomorrow I go for a CT scan to see how deep it goes and to get more information about it. I'm trying not to freak out about it but the ultrasound tech and my doctor's nurse seem to show a lot of concern in their voices after seeing the images. It's a pretty good size lump - about the size of a golf ball now. It doesn't really hurt but I do notice it's there.
The hardest part for me? Trying not to diagnose it myself or research it to death. That's just my nature to get as much info as I can and try to process all scenarios so that I'm not taken by surprise. I've really been fighting that urge this time and it hasn't been easy. I'm trying to just deal with it as it comes. Um, much easier said than done.
I'm tired - literally and figuratively. It's been one medical drama after another now for I don't even know how long. I'm still dealing wtih the lung problems and they (the doctors) can't quite seem to figure out what's going on there. A year and half ago I had an open lung biopsy and they gave me one diagnosis, only now they don't think it's right. Now this.
I really would like to ask you to pray. There are just so many stressors right now in my life that I just don't think I can even pray for myself right now. Oliver still hasn't gotten any bites on a job, my COBRA insurance will run out in Dec. and I am uninsurable after that, the bills are mounting and mounting, our savings is depleted, I don't feel good, and the stupid blue blob is still a mixed blessing. Ok, I love the blue blob when it's up and ready to go - not so much when it's flat as a pancake.
It's the synergistic effect of everything seemingly falling apart for too long of a time now that I'm quite frankly worn out. If there is a lesson that God is trying to teach me, I wish He'd move on to the Cliff Notes because this unabridged version doesn't seem to be getting through to me. I know what the Bible says about all this and I do stand on that Word. It's just that sometimes when you're in the middle of a dark season for so long, you just begin to wonder if the light is still even on let alone at the end of the tunnel. I don't see the light and I haven't for a long time. I haven't given up believing that it's still there but I will admit to having my all too human moments of weakness.
Thanks for praying. It really does mean a lot. One thing that I have learned through the years is that the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. Sigh... and of course I really am looking forward to the day that I no longer will be a slave to this old body but will receive a new one... and yes, I still have dibs on Cindy Crawford's. : ) Thanks all for letting my vent and for praying for me. ((hugs))
