Today I had the privilege of seeing two very special people graduate and we attended their little social afterward. I have to admit, going was hard for me, not only physically but even more so emotionally. While I enjoyed all the pomp and circumstance and the excitement in the air, there was a part of me that traveled back in time to another graduation day ~ mine. A vast difference from the beautiful Florida weather, surrounded by people who love them and shared in their special day. Wesley will be off to college in the fall and Brittany is still trying to decide exactly what she will do while she continues to date her beau a few years before tying the knot.
Flash back 38 years, to January 31, 1974, on a bitter cold Chicago day. We had one more rehearsal before the nights pomp and circumstance. I bundled up in my coat, scarf, boots, gloves, etc. - did I mention it was cold? lol... anyway, I kissed my mom on the cheek and proceeded to go out the door, hesitating to turn around and say "I love you" one more time. She smiled and and said the same back to me. "See you later, Mom." If she replied, I didn't hear it because the door was opened and I quickly went through it so as not to let the cold air take over the nice warm living room. A few hours later I returned to find my mom unresponsive. I called the paramedics and they came about 15 minutes later to confirm what I already knew in my heart to be true ~ she was gone. There was no time for tears. I had work to do. First call was to my good friend and mentor, Lorraine. She agreed to go with me to the hospital and would be waiting on the corner for me to pick her up. The second call was to my aunt, my mom's sister. They had a true love/hate relationship and it always seemed that it depended on which way the wind blew how it would be that day. I didn't have time to check the wind, I had to get to the hospital to fill out the paperwork. So I called and told her what happened and told her I'd tell her all the details when I got back. I needed to go.
The ambulance was pulling out as I locked the door behind me and the irony hit me that my life was going to be immensely different come tomorrow morning. There will be enough time later to think. Right now I needed to get moving and pick up Lorraine on the way to the hospital. The people at the hospital were very nice and brought us right back to get the paper work filled out. There was an officer there to take my statement as to what happened, etc. and things were going quite well. We were almost through when all of a sudden there was a commotion coming up towards the door behind me. It was my aunt and uncle. Not quite sure what they were doing there, I agreed to let them in. Wrong move on my part but live and learn. She began to yell at me for not calling her to go sit with my mom, etc. First, that would have been my mom's call and she would have had no part of it. I just told her I didn't think she was needing anybody to do that today. She was tired when I left but nothing queued me into believing that she wasn't going to be the same when I got back home. No inkling what-so-ever. I did understand my aunt's hurt but it wasn't my fault. She hadn't even talked to my mom in a week. She knew mom was sick. We had been watching her decline for over two years. To keep WW3 from breaking out, I agreed to let them come back to the house. I still needed to get home and tell my little brother what had happened and i wanted to be there when he got home so he didn't come home to an empty house. They followed on my tail and Ken didn't even need to walk in the door to know it was bad. My aunt was breaking down right on the front sidewalk, out in the bitter cold. Ken came in and I sat him down and told him what happened. He helped me clear some chairs for people to sit on and we let them come in. He had some tears but was holding it together well. Our mom had prepared her as best as she could and we weren't about to let her down.
I had dropped Lorraine off at her home because she was going to get ready to go to my graduation with me and her husband, John, was going to watch Ken for me so that I could go. Plus the other kids would keep him preoccupied and help him along. After calming my aunt down and agreeing to call her when I got home, I was able to escort her out and get myself ready for graduation. I did shower, put on a scant bit of makeup, picked Lorraine up for the 2nd time that day as I dropped Ken off and made my way to the auditorium at Maine West High School. I worked extra hard to be able to graduate ahead of time. The plan was to be able to spend time with my mom because we knew the inevitable was on the horizon. She was my best friend. She held all my secrets and I held all hers. It was important to her that I go and get that diploma. She was already feeling bad because she told me the night before that she didn't think she was going to be able to make it to my graduation but she wanted me to go anyway. We both thought that she was just having a rough patch, like she'd had numerous times before. Neither of us really believed that she wasn't going to "make it" to my graduation night, just that she wasn't strong enough to go. I put on my cap and gown, making sure the tassel was on the right side of the board. I lined up with the others and vaguely remember some of the speeches and received the condolensces from those of my classmates that had heard the news. I heard my name and concentrated on not tripping with the new shoes that my mom insisted I wear. I got the handshake, the diploma and some other words whispered along with congratulations, and then the tassel was moved to the left side and it was official ~ I was a graduate and the world as I had known it all my life was irreversibly changed. Nothing would ever be the same again and instead of being happy and excited about what the future would hold, I was filled with fear and trepidation. I felt like a ship heading in to deep water with a broken, or better yet, missing rudder.
There was no party waiting for me at home. No family and friends to greet me and pepper me with well wishes and cards. I did have Lorraine, bless her great big heart, and Lil, my boss from Goldblatt's who dropped everything to make sure she'd be there for me, and then there was Betty Harris, the ex-wife of my teacher/mentor who had passed away just two months earlier, devastating us all. They took me to the Noble House in Palatine and it was a wonderful evening with good food and good ladies who knew they couldn't take my mother's place but understood that I need more than one shoulder to lean on. The battle with my father hadn't even started yet - well not really. I had called him right before leaving for graduation practice to let him know. Well more correctly, I had to go through the phone company and have them call because he had an unlisted number. They did get a hold of him and gave him the number to call me, instructing him that it was an emergency. He did call and I told him what had happened. Instead of the compassionate answer I expected, I was met with "why did you call me?" Ok, I was a teen and had to really think about what words to say before I say them. My reply was "um, you were married to her for 18 years, I didn't think you'd want to read about it in the Chicago Tribune." He hung up on me... I rolled the stress out of my shoulders and went on to graduation, thinking I wouldn't hear from him again.
The ladies decided that I was stable enough to get home ok, especiallly since Lorraine lived only a few blocks away and I had to pick Ken up from there anyway. I hugged and kissed them good-bye and thanked them profusely for making my graduation night special after all. Lorraine and I just chit chatted about nothing in particular all the way home - which is what I needed. There would be enough room for thinking later. Ken was tired but still awake when I got there and he was ready to go home. John said he cried some but once he started playing with the other kids, he was fine. I thanked Lorraine, John and the kids for taking care of him so that I could go to my graduation - that was so important to my mother. I got him home and settled into a restful sleep when the phone rang. Who on earth would be calling this late? It was almost midnight? Against my better judgement, I answered the phone to find my father on the other end, drunk as a skunk and rambling on and on. He was going to bury my mom on a hill under a tree and he was going to blah blah blah... He talked to Ken and got him all riled up and in tears. That was the first of many times that I would feel like clobbering my father but that would have to wait, I had a brother to calm down once more so that we both could try to get some sleep that night.
The following morning I went to the high school to talk to a guidance counselor to see if he could help me. He called a lawyer friend of his and Mr. Hug came to the school to meet with me right away. My mom had wanted to be cremated and she had told me time and time again what she wanted. We were one day from making everything legal. We had appointments at a lawyer's office, the bank, the funeral home, etc. for Friday but she died one day short. Mr. Hug accompanied me to the funeral home, since I already had a 10 am appointment I didn't need to change it once the circumstances changed. As we walked in, we saw my aunt, uncle and my father there as a united front. As soon as they saw I had a lawyer, the became so incredibly, sickenly, sweet. I actually was relieved because I was in no mood for a fight. To their credit, they let me handle ALL the arrangements and I do mean ALL of them. They let this 17 year old child go into the coffin room and pick one out along with all the other details that go with planning a funeral. I did it all. Every hard decision that had to made by a girl mourning the loss of her mother, best friend, mentor, the closest person she had in her life, who meant more than anyone else in the world to her... all of it, picked out by me. My mom had taught me well and I remembered most of what she had said. When all was said and done, it turned out quite well. It would have been nice to have someone hold my hand and confirm that my decisions were right, but that was not to be had. There were no real adults in the room, outside the undertaker who bordered somewhere between Mr. Roarke from Fantasy Island and Lurch from the Addams family - who offered no help. After all the details were finalized, it was decided that "the family" would go down the street to the Sugar Bowl (a Des Plaines institution) and have lunch. It was there that my brother's future was discussed. He was at school so we were able to talk freely. My aunt, who had been named executor in my mom's will, decided that she was not going to fulfill that duty, nor was she going to take custody of Ken and I, like she had agreed to do. For me it was no big deal, I was 17 and I was due to turn 18 in a month, but Ken was only 14. I could handle myself, but wasn't so sure I was the best choice for Ken. Our dad stepped up and invited us to stay out at his house out on the lake in Lake Zurich. I admit, I welcomed the invitation. I was afraid to stay in the house with just Ken and I. Too many memories there and too much to do. So we accepted the invitation and the next day moved out there.
It's a whole other story of what happened there so to make a long story short, it didn't work out and I was asked to leave on Easter Sunday, just six weeks after moving in. I packed up the clothes that I had brought with me and moved back to the house my mom died in and that I had grown up in. Ken decided he was going to stay in Lake Zurich and that was a relief to me. Our dad had brought 3 of us into the world from his first family and I felt it was about time he took responsibility for one of us - since he had signed us away for back child support and we were adopted by my step father. who commited suicide in our same house just three years earlier. My grandmother had also passed away in that house.
All of this happening while many of my classmates were on vacations to all parts of this great big globe celebrating their graduations and all that the future held for them. All the exciting things that graduates should be doing. The rest of the "normal" class was planning for senior trips and proms and their own graduations in June. I never got the chance to do either. I was tied down to probates and court dates and bank dates and lawyer appointments, etc. Not exactly the dreams one has as they are approaching graduation and beyond. All on top of having to have a full time job to pay for some place to live and for everyday necessities like, food. Grown-up things.
I sat there today looking around at the table decorations and the impressive spread of food, the balloons and cards stacked up on tables, the montage of pics from the happy graduates and their childhood. I listened to the well deserved congratulations and watched as hands were pumped and ((hugs)) went around. I soaked it all in and offered my own congrats. That being said, I couldn't help but mourn the little girl who never got the chance to have a proper graduation. Oh she got her diploma and she did graduate, but she missed out on all the fun part. I am so happy for all those who are celebrating graduations this year and I wish them well as they ferry into their futures. I just have to wonder if there is some other student who has fallen through the cracks and didn't have an idyllic graduation experience. My heart goes out to them and I want to warn them that they will be invited to many graduations through the years and it will be alright. They'll go, be genuinely happy and perhaps have that tug of the heart and go through the "what might have beens."
So congrats to the graduating class of 2012 - all across this country - and may your futures be bright and fulfilling no matter what trail you plan on taking. The world truly is your oyster and the best years of your life are ahead of you. Make the most of them. ((hugs))
No comments:
Post a Comment